Crossing Jordan

Having unshakeable faith is easier said than done. It's always come easy for me to believe for others, but having that same unshakeable, untouchable, unstoppable faith for myself is another story....this is a story of that.
I've been dreaming about my "safe pasture" (Psalm 37:3-4) for so many years, just longing to know what or where that is for me. My life has been a series of failures, victimization, hurt, pain, sorrow, abandonment, confusion and many wonderful things in between. It took me over 30 years to really see that God has always been there, He never left me, He never forsake me and His hand has been upon my life no matter what I did or where I went. My hearts desire has always been to be where there wasn't any of those memories of pain and abandonment, sorrow and failure. The desire of my heart was to be where I fit in, where the peaceful river flowed, where the culture, people, music and Jesus matched my DNA. My family roots are scattered all over the south land and I've always identified myself as a "southern transplant". Through all the years of yearning and being carted around from town to town, state to state and parent to parent, I felt like my "safe pasture" would never come....
Being a military brat my dad retired here in WA over 20 years ago and this is where I married for the first time right out of high school. This is where I planted myself and had all my children. This is the place I've seen people come and go from, including my own family. In 2000 my baby brother left to marry his bride in South Dakota and I no longer had any family here besides the dysfunctional marriage of my own. The year 2003 was a turning point in my life, my marriage fell a part and I ran angrily from God. It was the summer of 2004, my past met my future and faced it quickly with an unexpected twin pregnancy. I ran hard but I learned that I couldn't run far enough. I see this now as God's blessing and mercy, but back then I saw this as nothing but total separation from God and my dreams. I was a broken heart needing a soft place to fall and that's where I found Abundant Life Foursquare Church. This place has served as my House of Refuge, a place where I healed, was delievered, was accepted, was redefined,was blessed, found family, found truth, was redeemed and was raised up into ministry where I was used to speak into broken lives. My life truly is whole and healthy.....
Two years ago my husband comes to me with a dream of living in the south. It's not something that we talked about before this so I was a bit taken back. I can't remember the details of the conversation but I do remember sharing our dreams for the future together and the feeling of hope that God really does have the desires of our heart in the palm of His hand. The first time it came up as more than just a dream conversation was January 2010. This was to be his last year in the Navy and our oldest son was graduating high school and going into the Airforce. Our family was changing, the winds were about to shift. We began making plans and talking about where we would settle and what that all would look like. Matt was talking to Belmont University in Nashville TN as they have an amazing Nursing program there. 3 months later life came down heavy handed and we felt smashed by the news that he would be deployed from May-Dec. It was by far, one of the hardest years of my life that tested my faith and my hope and challenged my dreams. Matt came home early in November and learned he would not be allowed to extend or re-enlist even if he wanted to. This was a blessing in disguise because it has led us to where we are right now. We were blessed by this news that most people would be upset by. It permanently closed a door and forced us to look forward. Our talk of moving to TN came up early Jan of this year when Matt was facing civilian life. I can't describe my feelings exactly other than I knew I wasn't ready. The timing wasn't right in my heart. I remember feeling conflicted over my children's feelings of leaving the only home they've ever known, how my son's father would feel having limited time with him, the financial pieces of course and my own feelings of realizing how comfortable I have become in a place I've been over 20 years. The thoughts of uprooting after all I have been through here just seemed....overwhelming and confusing. Being the man of God my husband is, he patiently waited for my heart and for the timing to be right and for us to agree together. God provided a job immediately after he was discharged and we went on with life as usual. The only unusual part of "life as usual" was that talks of our "someday" kept coming up. For the last several months I have been settling into the books of Joshua and Ruth. In April I got a clear word from the Lord while driving to worship practice about the Jordan River. As written in my journal from that day: "My word doesn't just contain cool stories with extraordinary people doing amazing things for you to just be entertained. My word is a map, a living and breathing guide for you to find direction and for you to continue the work that I have started in you. Go and read Joshua." I was intrigued by how this was speaking to me but had yet to understand what it was leading me to. I wrote on my white board the verse from Joshua that reads "Whatever You have commanded us we will do and wherever you send us we will go." As I write this on the board I hear the song "I will follow" by Chris Tomlin come on the radio. It felt like a coincidence at the time yet the story continues.....
The next day I was asked to sing "I will follow" as a special for Palm Sunday at church. Coincidence? No, this was a divine appointment with a real God who was speaking my love language-music. My ears were attentive to these things He was speaking about and I started to pray about what all this meant. A few evenings after Easter my husband was sitting at the dining room table writing his bio for his new English class. He asked me to come over and listen to it. In the bio he wrote that he dream of someday being a nurse at St. Jude's Children's Hospital in Memphis TN. I was blown away as this wasn't mentioned ever before in our conversations about the future. While being shocked I somehow connected in heart with that dream.
We took an anniversary get-a-way on August 8th for 4 days this year. It was as though the trip was divinely planned in such a way that it allowed for us to not only reflect on our marriage but start talking about the future once again. Tennessee was in full prayer and conversation...on the drive home we agreed to ask a few close friends and mentors to pray with us about what we were feeling and wanting. For the first time I felt united with my husband and completely at peace with what was once just a longing and now I felt ready to make it a reality. 7 days later God answered by saying "step into the Jordan in faith, try me and see. For it is I who has promised and is faithful." We stood into the Puget Sound holding hands and took a picture to remind us of our decision to go forward with a dream. Not only was it a dream and desire for so long, but it now appeared as though it was a calling. A calling that we had no details to but were ready to learn about what it means to have unshakeable faith....
It was like the flood gates of Heaven opened up the moment we stepped into our Jordan. Scripture came screaming off the pages during my quiet time with God each morning, worship songs were like prophetic words being spoken, confirmations of late night conversations with close friends, but above all this came incredible peace and joy.
I've been knee deep into the book of Ruth and have discovered that my life parallels her life in so many ways. It's like God's showing me my future and that the desire's of my heart are about to be fulfilled.
I turned 39 years old just a few days ago and I received a book from a good friend and mentor ironically titled "39 Days of Destiny" by Paul Tsika. I was mesmerized by the title....I opened up to the table of contents and it brought tears to my eyes as it felt like I was reading a timeline that mirrored my life. This book was about circumstances and choices and uses the book of Ruth to show that the choices we make eventually make us, and that though we may fail miserably, even our failures can be forward and crown us with success. I learned that the book of Ruth is the 8th book in the Bible-which is the number of New Beginnings. Oh how I like that.....