5.5 months down with 10 weeks left. It's been long enough! I'm tired and what's even worse is that I'm tired of being tired. Tired of being both husband and wife, mom and dad, nurturer and disciplinarian, homemaker and breadwinner. Of course I've lived long enough to know that anything that doesn't kill me will only make me stronger, however I'd like to slap the person who made that saying so popular. I'll bet that person was never a deployment widow or as the Navy so likes to refer to us as "Navy Wives: toughest job in the Navy!". I'll bet that person probably made that saying popular over something retarded like eating spinach or collard greens. "what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger!". Yeah. Right.
Yeah I'm whining. So what? I think I've "earned" the right to sound off some frustration about life. I've gone through 3 labors and birthed 4 babies (I'm a genius I know) and I know that nothing worth while goes without some blood, sweat and tears. But I'm not talking about birth, something I was made to do. I wasn't made to be both husband and wife, mom and dad, nurturer and disciplinarian, homemaker and breadwinner. Here's a newsflash for you Navy: It might be wise to include the spouses in VA claims upon discharge. Because I'll bet you have a ton of us "widow's" with all kinds of physical and emotional ailments for playing Jeckel AND Hyde for 20 years. Just a suggestion.
I would finish this blog with more of my emotional antics however after mowing the front AND back lawns, cleaning the pee under the toilet, putting a bandaid on my daughters knee, sending my son to his room for mouthing off, paying the bills, working outside the home, shopping for groceries AND nailing the holes in the fence, I have to make supper for the children. This is only 1 day down with 80 more to go. So yeah, I'm whining. Get over it.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Dandelions and Dogs: Finding Jesus in the foolish things
Dandelions:
The other day I was staring out the window watching my daughter pick every bright yellow dandelion in our backyard. I saw her smile as she said "mommy will love these pretty flowers!". I sighed and cracked a smile and said to myself "Those are just weeds baby girl, ugly annoying weeds." Then I noticed her running towards the door with a huge bunch of dandelions in her hand, her face filled with joy. I greeted her at the door and she says "these pretty flowers are for you mommy. Can you put them in some water so they won't die?". My heart melted at her thoughtfulness as I stared into her tender heart through her beautiful blue eyes. "Yes baby, of course I will." I said with a smile on my face. So I went over to the cupboard and pulled out a mason jar and filled it with water. I see her looking up at me with a smile from ear to ear as I arrange the dandelions in the jar.
After the kids were in bed I walked into the kitchen to find that these "flowers" were closed up and wilted. They were a sore sight! I said to myself "see baby, they're just weeds. Nothing special, nothing extraordinary, just weeds." I was tempted to throw them away when I was suddenly stopped by the image of earlier that day when my baby girl worked so hard to gather these for me. I closed my eyes and relived that moment when I felt her little arms wrapped around my neck, her smiling face and the joy in her voice when she said "these pretty flowers are for you mommy!" I looked at these ugly wilted weeds and said "maybe there's hope they will open up and be beautiful again." And I turned off the lights.
In the morning I stumbled to my coffee pot. In search for my favorite cup I didn't even take notice of the mason jar sitting next to it. Suddenly I heard the pitter patter of happy morning feet. "Mommy! see, the flowers are still so beautiful!" As we embrace I look up to notice that every single dandelion is full, open, bright and standing tall. The morning brought the hope that these "weeds" would be "flowers" once again. I stood in awe of the perfect picture of Jesus. How he sees me the way my daughter sees these weeds. A beautiful flower that has hope. His mercies are new every morning!
Dogs:
At night my dog Charlie likes to sit next to me with his head in my lap. He will always roll to his side with his belly towards me as if to say "hey mom, will you scratch my belly please?". I look down to catch one of his cute little brown eyes trying to peer at me. So I start scratchin. And he starts rollin'. It always makes me smile.
My mind started to ask questions like "why did God make dogs anyways? Did Adam have a dog?"....
Charlie is a big beautiful black Lab and German Shepherd mix with a purple tongue-a mutt of sorts. Charlie is always at the front door to greet me when I walk in. He is jumping from side to side hoping to get to go too when I get ready to leave. Charlie is always lying on the floor next to my bed every night when I sleep. He follows me from room to room as I clean my house. Charlie will alarm me with a bark when he hears an unfamiliar noise. He nudges my hand with his head when he feels lonely. Charlie always comes back to put his head in my lap at night even when I've not greeted him, didn't let him go with me, ignored him, not played with him, pushed him away and said "not now Charlie I'm busy." Charlie will always run and grab his ball when I walk out in the back yard in hope that we will play together. But when I simply walk back inside ignoring his cute attempt to play, he will simply drop his ball and follow me back inside. He will wait patiently by his bowl for food and watch as I walk by without filling it up-sometimes for hours. No matter what the day held for Charlie he will always come to me at night and place his head in my lap, look at me with that one little eye and hope and wait and hope and wait for that belly scratch that brings him so much joy.
I realized that God made Charlie to remind me just how faithful He is. Charlie is a perfect reflection of the character of Jesus. As I scratch my dogs belly and see the joy on his face I am reminded that Jesus desires my friendship and time. That He is patient and tender toward me and that the Lord is my joy!
The other day I was staring out the window watching my daughter pick every bright yellow dandelion in our backyard. I saw her smile as she said "mommy will love these pretty flowers!". I sighed and cracked a smile and said to myself "Those are just weeds baby girl, ugly annoying weeds." Then I noticed her running towards the door with a huge bunch of dandelions in her hand, her face filled with joy. I greeted her at the door and she says "these pretty flowers are for you mommy. Can you put them in some water so they won't die?". My heart melted at her thoughtfulness as I stared into her tender heart through her beautiful blue eyes. "Yes baby, of course I will." I said with a smile on my face. So I went over to the cupboard and pulled out a mason jar and filled it with water. I see her looking up at me with a smile from ear to ear as I arrange the dandelions in the jar.
After the kids were in bed I walked into the kitchen to find that these "flowers" were closed up and wilted. They were a sore sight! I said to myself "see baby, they're just weeds. Nothing special, nothing extraordinary, just weeds." I was tempted to throw them away when I was suddenly stopped by the image of earlier that day when my baby girl worked so hard to gather these for me. I closed my eyes and relived that moment when I felt her little arms wrapped around my neck, her smiling face and the joy in her voice when she said "these pretty flowers are for you mommy!" I looked at these ugly wilted weeds and said "maybe there's hope they will open up and be beautiful again." And I turned off the lights.
In the morning I stumbled to my coffee pot. In search for my favorite cup I didn't even take notice of the mason jar sitting next to it. Suddenly I heard the pitter patter of happy morning feet. "Mommy! see, the flowers are still so beautiful!" As we embrace I look up to notice that every single dandelion is full, open, bright and standing tall. The morning brought the hope that these "weeds" would be "flowers" once again. I stood in awe of the perfect picture of Jesus. How he sees me the way my daughter sees these weeds. A beautiful flower that has hope. His mercies are new every morning!
Dogs:
At night my dog Charlie likes to sit next to me with his head in my lap. He will always roll to his side with his belly towards me as if to say "hey mom, will you scratch my belly please?". I look down to catch one of his cute little brown eyes trying to peer at me. So I start scratchin. And he starts rollin'. It always makes me smile.
My mind started to ask questions like "why did God make dogs anyways? Did Adam have a dog?"....
Charlie is a big beautiful black Lab and German Shepherd mix with a purple tongue-a mutt of sorts. Charlie is always at the front door to greet me when I walk in. He is jumping from side to side hoping to get to go too when I get ready to leave. Charlie is always lying on the floor next to my bed every night when I sleep. He follows me from room to room as I clean my house. Charlie will alarm me with a bark when he hears an unfamiliar noise. He nudges my hand with his head when he feels lonely. Charlie always comes back to put his head in my lap at night even when I've not greeted him, didn't let him go with me, ignored him, not played with him, pushed him away and said "not now Charlie I'm busy." Charlie will always run and grab his ball when I walk out in the back yard in hope that we will play together. But when I simply walk back inside ignoring his cute attempt to play, he will simply drop his ball and follow me back inside. He will wait patiently by his bowl for food and watch as I walk by without filling it up-sometimes for hours. No matter what the day held for Charlie he will always come to me at night and place his head in my lap, look at me with that one little eye and hope and wait and hope and wait for that belly scratch that brings him so much joy.
I realized that God made Charlie to remind me just how faithful He is. Charlie is a perfect reflection of the character of Jesus. As I scratch my dogs belly and see the joy on his face I am reminded that Jesus desires my friendship and time. That He is patient and tender toward me and that the Lord is my joy!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
I've been a Christian nearly all my life. Of course I don't have the straight and narrow path story of many believers. In fact, if I had to draw my line that started at the tender age of 4 and have it end to my ripe age of 38-well tomorrow I will be 38-it would represent that of a plate of spaghetti. Yes a blob of lines, going in circles, overlapping, piling up and starting over. I used to feel like there was something wrong with me because I didn't have the "my-life-has-never-been-the-same-since-Jesus" story. Like maybe I really wasn't saved, or maybe I wasn't filled with the Holy Spirit, or like because I strayed I couldn't pass "Go" and collect my $200 and lose my turn (Monopoly joke). Every testimony I've ever heard is a story of before and after with the "happily ever after" ending. I got to thinkin "God how in the world could you ever use someone who has loved you since they were a little girl yet screwed up time and time again, sometimes on purpose?" And I grumbled some more "I mean you're God, full of love yet full of expectations. You died for me and you're waiting to take me to Heaven to live with you for all eternity yet I'm a total and complete mess most of the time. How on earth will I ever get this right?" Then Jesus spoke.
I was taking a bath recently and when I'm bored I often pick up random things to read. (okay so that's weird) So I'm holding my shampoo bottle and I turn it around. I scan down to the ingredients and can't pronounce a single bit of it. My eyes fix on the directions that read "for best results apply shampoo to damp hair. Massage into hair and scalp. Rinse with lukewarm water and repeat. Follow up with Humectress Ultimate Moisturizing Conditioner." I laughed to myself and said "why on earth would you need to repeat the steps of washing your hair? How ridiculous and repetitive. I mean my hair is clean enough after one washing. This has to be for morons who can't properly wash their hair." Then like a flea on a dog my eyes jumped back to the words "Rinse with lukewarm water and repeat." It was like reading the red text in my New King James Bible.
I must have held that shampoo bottle for 20 minutes while the Spirit spoke to my heart. I learned that God doesn't operate like Monopoly, He likes spaghetti A LOT and that repeating steps 1 and 2 lead to a closer walk with Him, and clean hair. :)
Thank you Lord for meeting me where I am, for coming after me when I'm lost and for loving me enough to show me that the ridiculous and the repetitive are the way to your heart. (Hebrews 10:22 "let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water." 1 Cor 1:27 "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.")
I was taking a bath recently and when I'm bored I often pick up random things to read. (okay so that's weird) So I'm holding my shampoo bottle and I turn it around. I scan down to the ingredients and can't pronounce a single bit of it. My eyes fix on the directions that read "for best results apply shampoo to damp hair. Massage into hair and scalp. Rinse with lukewarm water and repeat. Follow up with Humectress Ultimate Moisturizing Conditioner." I laughed to myself and said "why on earth would you need to repeat the steps of washing your hair? How ridiculous and repetitive. I mean my hair is clean enough after one washing. This has to be for morons who can't properly wash their hair." Then like a flea on a dog my eyes jumped back to the words "Rinse with lukewarm water and repeat." It was like reading the red text in my New King James Bible.
I must have held that shampoo bottle for 20 minutes while the Spirit spoke to my heart. I learned that God doesn't operate like Monopoly, He likes spaghetti A LOT and that repeating steps 1 and 2 lead to a closer walk with Him, and clean hair. :)
Thank you Lord for meeting me where I am, for coming after me when I'm lost and for loving me enough to show me that the ridiculous and the repetitive are the way to your heart. (Hebrews 10:22 "let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water." 1 Cor 1:27 "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.")
Monday, May 3, 2010
Walking Through
I knew that writing this blog would be inevitable. I mean this is my creative outlet aside from singing and playing music, so it only makes sense to me that I sit here with my laptop in a quiet room and write the condition of my heart. I did write a little blog back in March that I regretfully deleted. I think it was a knee jerk to a comment made to me and I feared being vulnerable. I never feared my vulnerability in my writing before, so I don't know why I felt such need to wash it away as though it was never written. Ah well....that was the day I got news that Matt would deploy to Africa and I was completely blindsided and overwhelmed with emotion. I said in January that this was the year for many transitions-Jacob's high school graduation, his entrance into the Airforce, the twins going into Kindergarten, a job change for me and Matt's last year in the Navy. The news of deployment just felt like an Atom bomb on our happy little family life. So instead of doing all of these transitions together as a family, it would be me being the banana to hold the bunch together. The last 2 months have been a roller coaster of emotion, most of which I'm ashamed to admit. If my walls could speak they would most likely not testify to the faith I profess and know as truth. I feel ripped off of the opportunity to have my husband home with us as we see off our oldest son and our youngest two. I have felt angry and confused over having to be both mom and dad and comfort to the children as they "lose" their daddy and their brother to the world and life. Old wounds opened of abandonment and fear surfaced quickly as I fought those demons. I could fill a bath tub of the tears I shed over the self pity and emotions I had. I could probably even take a sailor down with the shouts and mouthiness of my attitude in words.
Thank God for His grace and mercy and abundance of love and patience with me! He let me have my temper tantrums, my bouts with depression and anxiety, my days of withdrawl and my stubborn heart and attitude. He let me walk through those hard days and stood in the fire with me. I'm grateful for a patient and loving God who created me in His own image and who understands FIRST HAND what it's like to go through tough times. I can't say I'm not having hard times right now, but they're different than before. I can't even really tell you why it's changed. I liken it to a process of grief that has a cycle that has to be completed, it's just something you have to walk through. Walking through is different than walking around, or underneath or over the top. I've lived long enough to understand that THROUGH produces more fruit in my life than around. Through is painful and sometimes feels more like a long and endless suffering than something that could possibly be good for me. Around is easier but doesn't give opportunity for God to work in my life. I mean it's like wanting to sterilize a surgical instrument for surgery but instead of putting it through the fire and heat you simply wave it over it. It just doesn't get the job done. Ultimately, that's what I desire-to be changed and transformed. THROUGH is the only way. It's also the only way my life can be a testimony to what I believe. THROUGH is God's opportunity to use me as a vessel for ministry. If I walk around then perhaps I'm robbing someone else of the chance to see God work and I don't want to be a false witness to the awesomeness of Jesus. I cling to Isaiah 43 where He said to me "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel.”
Thank God for His grace and mercy and abundance of love and patience with me! He let me have my temper tantrums, my bouts with depression and anxiety, my days of withdrawl and my stubborn heart and attitude. He let me walk through those hard days and stood in the fire with me. I'm grateful for a patient and loving God who created me in His own image and who understands FIRST HAND what it's like to go through tough times. I can't say I'm not having hard times right now, but they're different than before. I can't even really tell you why it's changed. I liken it to a process of grief that has a cycle that has to be completed, it's just something you have to walk through. Walking through is different than walking around, or underneath or over the top. I've lived long enough to understand that THROUGH produces more fruit in my life than around. Through is painful and sometimes feels more like a long and endless suffering than something that could possibly be good for me. Around is easier but doesn't give opportunity for God to work in my life. I mean it's like wanting to sterilize a surgical instrument for surgery but instead of putting it through the fire and heat you simply wave it over it. It just doesn't get the job done. Ultimately, that's what I desire-to be changed and transformed. THROUGH is the only way. It's also the only way my life can be a testimony to what I believe. THROUGH is God's opportunity to use me as a vessel for ministry. If I walk around then perhaps I'm robbing someone else of the chance to see God work and I don't want to be a false witness to the awesomeness of Jesus. I cling to Isaiah 43 where He said to me "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel.”
Friday, January 1, 2010
First Day of the Rest of My Life
Today is January 1st, 2010. This marks the beginning of an adventurous year for me and my family. Jacob graduates high school in June, flys to Texas for Airforce basic training in July; I will turn 38 in August, celebrate another wedding anniversary in August, attend my 20 year high school reunion in August and send my 2 youngest to kindergarten in September and go from having 4 children in our home to having 3. Life is never going to be the same again. When I think about the last 10 years, I reflect on alot of poor decisions, painful events, traumatic events, joyful times, blessings, surviving, loving, crying, laughing and new beginnings. The event of May 30th 2009 marked the day of new beginnings in many ways. That fire catapulted me into a deeper faith, a more trusting place with God. Those two things alone have prepared me for what lies ahead in 2010. As my big boy leaves the nest I will have to rely on faith and trust in God that He will protect, provide, keep and bless my boy. There's many emotional times coming, bittersweet times and even scary times coming. As I inch towards 40 I can see that God has been doing a good work in me and I can expect nothing but goodness in this life to come. As I sit here with my coffee in hand and think about this being the first day of 2010, I fight back a tear. My husband just brought me home a dozen yellow roses for no reason at all....yes, this will be the most amazing, blessed year of my life! Thank you God for this life.
~Michelle
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