Walking Through

I knew that writing this blog would be inevitable. I mean this is my creative outlet aside from singing and playing music, so it only makes sense to me that I sit here with my laptop in a quiet room and write the condition of my heart. I did write a little blog back in March that I regretfully deleted. I think it was a knee jerk to a comment made to me and I feared being vulnerable. I never feared my vulnerability in my writing before, so I don't know why I felt such need to wash it away as though it was never written. Ah well....that was the day I got news that Matt would deploy to Africa and I was completely blindsided and overwhelmed with emotion. I said in January that this was the year for many transitions-Jacob's high school graduation, his entrance into the Airforce, the twins going into Kindergarten, a job change for me and Matt's last year in the Navy. The news of deployment just felt like an Atom bomb on our happy little family life. So instead of doing all of these transitions together as a family, it would be me being the banana to hold the bunch together. The last 2 months have been a roller coaster of emotion, most of which I'm ashamed to admit. If my walls could speak they would most likely not testify to the faith I profess and know as truth. I feel ripped off of the opportunity to have my husband home with us as we see off our oldest son and our youngest two. I have felt angry and confused over having to be both mom and dad and comfort to the children as they "lose" their daddy and their brother to the world and life. Old wounds opened of abandonment and fear surfaced quickly as I fought those demons. I could fill a bath tub of the tears I shed over the self pity and emotions I had. I could probably even take a sailor down with the shouts and mouthiness of my attitude in words.
Thank God for His grace and mercy and abundance of love and patience with me! He let me have my temper tantrums, my bouts with depression and anxiety, my days of withdrawl and my stubborn heart and attitude. He let me walk through those hard days and stood in the fire with me. I'm grateful for a patient and loving God who created me in His own image and who understands FIRST HAND what it's like to go through tough times. I can't say I'm not having hard times right now, but they're different than before. I can't even really tell you why it's changed. I liken it to a process of grief that has a cycle that has to be completed, it's just something you have to walk through. Walking through is different than walking around, or underneath or over the top. I've lived long enough to understand that THROUGH produces more fruit in my life than around. Through is painful and sometimes feels more like a long and endless suffering than something that could possibly be good for me. Around is easier but doesn't give opportunity for God to work in my life. I mean it's like wanting to sterilize a surgical instrument for surgery but instead of putting it through the fire and heat you simply wave it over it. It just doesn't get the job done. Ultimately, that's what I desire-to be changed and transformed. THROUGH is the only way. It's also the only way my life can be a testimony to what I believe. THROUGH is God's opportunity to use me as a vessel for ministry. If I walk around then perhaps I'm robbing someone else of the chance to see God work and I don't want to be a false witness to the awesomeness of Jesus. I cling to Isaiah 43 where He said to me "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel.”