Crossing Jordan

Having unshakeable faith is easier said than done. It's always come easy for me to believe for others, but having that same unshakeable, untouchable, unstoppable faith for myself is another story....this is a story of that.
I've been dreaming about my "safe pasture" (Psalm 37:3-4) for so many years, just longing to know what or where that is for me. My life has been a series of failures, victimization, hurt, pain, sorrow, abandonment, confusion and many wonderful things in between. It took me over 30 years to really see that God has always been there, He never left me, He never forsake me and His hand has been upon my life no matter what I did or where I went. My hearts desire has always been to be where there wasn't any of those memories of pain and abandonment, sorrow and failure. The desire of my heart was to be where I fit in, where the peaceful river flowed, where the culture, people, music and Jesus matched my DNA. My family roots are scattered all over the south land and I've always identified myself as a "southern transplant". Through all the years of yearning and being carted around from town to town, state to state and parent to parent, I felt like my "safe pasture" would never come....
Being a military brat my dad retired here in WA over 20 years ago and this is where I married for the first time right out of high school. This is where I planted myself and had all my children. This is the place I've seen people come and go from, including my own family. In 2000 my baby brother left to marry his bride in South Dakota and I no longer had any family here besides the dysfunctional marriage of my own. The year 2003 was a turning point in my life, my marriage fell a part and I ran angrily from God. It was the summer of 2004, my past met my future and faced it quickly with an unexpected twin pregnancy. I ran hard but I learned that I couldn't run far enough. I see this now as God's blessing and mercy, but back then I saw this as nothing but total separation from God and my dreams. I was a broken heart needing a soft place to fall and that's where I found Abundant Life Foursquare Church. This place has served as my House of Refuge, a place where I healed, was delievered, was accepted, was redefined,was blessed, found family, found truth, was redeemed and was raised up into ministry where I was used to speak into broken lives. My life truly is whole and healthy.....
Two years ago my husband comes to me with a dream of living in the south. It's not something that we talked about before this so I was a bit taken back. I can't remember the details of the conversation but I do remember sharing our dreams for the future together and the feeling of hope that God really does have the desires of our heart in the palm of His hand. The first time it came up as more than just a dream conversation was January 2010. This was to be his last year in the Navy and our oldest son was graduating high school and going into the Airforce. Our family was changing, the winds were about to shift. We began making plans and talking about where we would settle and what that all would look like. Matt was talking to Belmont University in Nashville TN as they have an amazing Nursing program there. 3 months later life came down heavy handed and we felt smashed by the news that he would be deployed from May-Dec. It was by far, one of the hardest years of my life that tested my faith and my hope and challenged my dreams. Matt came home early in November and learned he would not be allowed to extend or re-enlist even if he wanted to. This was a blessing in disguise because it has led us to where we are right now. We were blessed by this news that most people would be upset by. It permanently closed a door and forced us to look forward. Our talk of moving to TN came up early Jan of this year when Matt was facing civilian life. I can't describe my feelings exactly other than I knew I wasn't ready. The timing wasn't right in my heart. I remember feeling conflicted over my children's feelings of leaving the only home they've ever known, how my son's father would feel having limited time with him, the financial pieces of course and my own feelings of realizing how comfortable I have become in a place I've been over 20 years. The thoughts of uprooting after all I have been through here just seemed....overwhelming and confusing. Being the man of God my husband is, he patiently waited for my heart and for the timing to be right and for us to agree together. God provided a job immediately after he was discharged and we went on with life as usual. The only unusual part of "life as usual" was that talks of our "someday" kept coming up. For the last several months I have been settling into the books of Joshua and Ruth. In April I got a clear word from the Lord while driving to worship practice about the Jordan River. As written in my journal from that day: "My word doesn't just contain cool stories with extraordinary people doing amazing things for you to just be entertained. My word is a map, a living and breathing guide for you to find direction and for you to continue the work that I have started in you. Go and read Joshua." I was intrigued by how this was speaking to me but had yet to understand what it was leading me to. I wrote on my white board the verse from Joshua that reads "Whatever You have commanded us we will do and wherever you send us we will go." As I write this on the board I hear the song "I will follow" by Chris Tomlin come on the radio. It felt like a coincidence at the time yet the story continues.....
The next day I was asked to sing "I will follow" as a special for Palm Sunday at church. Coincidence? No, this was a divine appointment with a real God who was speaking my love language-music. My ears were attentive to these things He was speaking about and I started to pray about what all this meant. A few evenings after Easter my husband was sitting at the dining room table writing his bio for his new English class. He asked me to come over and listen to it. In the bio he wrote that he dream of someday being a nurse at St. Jude's Children's Hospital in Memphis TN. I was blown away as this wasn't mentioned ever before in our conversations about the future. While being shocked I somehow connected in heart with that dream.
We took an anniversary get-a-way on August 8th for 4 days this year. It was as though the trip was divinely planned in such a way that it allowed for us to not only reflect on our marriage but start talking about the future once again. Tennessee was in full prayer and conversation...on the drive home we agreed to ask a few close friends and mentors to pray with us about what we were feeling and wanting. For the first time I felt united with my husband and completely at peace with what was once just a longing and now I felt ready to make it a reality. 7 days later God answered by saying "step into the Jordan in faith, try me and see. For it is I who has promised and is faithful." We stood into the Puget Sound holding hands and took a picture to remind us of our decision to go forward with a dream. Not only was it a dream and desire for so long, but it now appeared as though it was a calling. A calling that we had no details to but were ready to learn about what it means to have unshakeable faith....
It was like the flood gates of Heaven opened up the moment we stepped into our Jordan. Scripture came screaming off the pages during my quiet time with God each morning, worship songs were like prophetic words being spoken, confirmations of late night conversations with close friends, but above all this came incredible peace and joy.
I've been knee deep into the book of Ruth and have discovered that my life parallels her life in so many ways. It's like God's showing me my future and that the desire's of my heart are about to be fulfilled.
I turned 39 years old just a few days ago and I received a book from a good friend and mentor ironically titled "39 Days of Destiny" by Paul Tsika. I was mesmerized by the title....I opened up to the table of contents and it brought tears to my eyes as it felt like I was reading a timeline that mirrored my life. This book was about circumstances and choices and uses the book of Ruth to show that the choices we make eventually make us, and that though we may fail miserably, even our failures can be forward and crown us with success. I learned that the book of Ruth is the 8th book in the Bible-which is the number of New Beginnings. Oh how I like that.....

EAT, PRAY, DIE

All this talk about that prediction of the Rapture happening this weekend got me thinking about some things. For the record, I do not buy into this prediction in the slightest because I stand firm on what the Word of God says about this in Matthew 24:36 when Jesus says "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son of Man, but only the Father." and continues in verse 42 "Therefore keep watch, because you do not know what day your Lord will come." I've been seeing people's responses from total belief and fear that this will happen to jokes being made that the guy is a whack job of a prophet. I sat here thinking this morning about this. "What if this really occurred on Sunday Michelle? What would you do?" Many things crossed my mind like my Bucket List. Things I'd like to do before I die and yadda yadda yadda. In thinking about what I believe to be truth about the Rapture and the coming of Jesus, I was bathed in peace. If I knew the hour of my death or the outcome of tomorrow would I really live my life differently? While I'm not perfect, I am saved by His grace. Everyday I wake up and I EAT, PRAY and DIE to self. At least I try to DIE daily. If I'm living my life this way then I have nothing to fear. So I came out with the peace that if the rapture really occurred on Sunday I would be going to the BEST PARTY in HEAVEN.

Dear Jesus

Dear Jesus,
When there are no words, You fill my mouth.
When there is no music, You put a song in my heart.
When there is joy, You set my feet a dancing.
When there is pain, You hold my heart.
When the world is against me, You are for me.
When the rain pours, You put out a rainbow.
When there is no one, You are there.
When there is no same, You are constant.
When there is no love, You pour out.
When there is weakness, You are strong.
When there is brokenness, You are Healer.
When there is offense, You are Defender.
When there are lies, You are truth.
When there is no way, You are the way.
When there is doubt, You are the Rock.
When there is fear, You cast it out.
When there is stillness, You speak.
When there is praise, You are whom it's for.

PDA

Public Display of Affection. This is what my 2 friends, whom are married, were stopped in the local shopping mall for. A sweet husband in his early 40's decided to plant a kiss on his lovely wife when a mall cop came up and told them to stop. Of course they looked confused and asked "why?". The mall cop said "because it offends some people and you can't do PDA in the mall." I heard this story yesterday at church and was absolutely astonished! It took me back to when my middle son was in preschool and was punished for kissing a little girl on the cheek and then accused of Sexual Harassment. I got to thinking about the acronym of PDA...Public Display of Affection. Affection!! Seems to me this world has become sensitive to the good things and desensitive to the bad things. Since when does kissing your spouse in a shopping mall offend someone? Since when does a 4 year olds kiss on the cheek to a person of the opposite sex count as Sexual lHarassment?



We're living in a time where we have a huge violent crime rate among men ages 19-25, a divorce rate of over 50% with that number being the same among those in the church, a rate of depression and eating disorders that beat the statistics of the 80's when they gained "popularity" as well as a host of other addictions such as alcoholism, drugs and sex. Research tells us a lot about the origin of many of these things but there is a common component to them-lack of physical and emotional intimacy and touch. Even nature proves this point. Take a litter of kittens for example. The mother cat will continue to lick and nurse her kittens instinctively and in response the kittens will become healthy and stable adult cats. Occasionally there will be a kitten who for whatever reason will not be offered this attention by it's mother. This kitten will become aggressive, scrawny and very unhealthy. She will fight amongst her littermates and be considered the "outcast" of the litter. This is displayed among all mammals in nature. We're no different.



Our unhealthy attitudes about touch are endangering our health and the health of our families. Fear is the fuel for much of what we see in our laws regarding PDA and Sexual Harassment. Touch is to health as air is to life. You can read astonishing studies and stories about the importance of touch and I would even recommend every human being reading Ashley Montagu's book "Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin". We were created to give and receive healthy touch and affection from the time we're in our mothers womb through the time of our senior years. Our sexuality is misunderstood and has become so perverted to the point where a healthy, loving, married couple can't even exchange a kiss without being coded by an acronym and cast out of a shopping mall. A preschool boy can't kiss the cheek of a preschool girl out of friendship and affection without risk of being a Sexual Offender. Yet we can publicize sex, drugs, homosexuality, violence, indifference, greed, murder, crime and horror on our televisions and in movies without blinking an eye. It just doesn't make any sense to me.



My passion is to help us return to a sense of peace and health when it comes to touch. Without it people die. Without it marriages fail. Children become sexually active at a young age. Young adults will marry out of desperation for intimacy and often marry the wrong person. People begin to have disease. Pain becomes unmanageable. Without touch the world is an unsafe place. I want to help save the world one person at a time and I believe it begins here.

Yes I'd like some cheese with my WHINE!

5.5 months down with 10 weeks left. It's been long enough! I'm tired and what's even worse is that I'm tired of being tired. Tired of being both husband and wife, mom and dad, nurturer and disciplinarian, homemaker and breadwinner. Of course I've lived long enough to know that anything that doesn't kill me will only make me stronger, however I'd like to slap the person who made that saying so popular. I'll bet that person was never a deployment widow or as the Navy so likes to refer to us as "Navy Wives: toughest job in the Navy!". I'll bet that person probably made that saying popular over something retarded like eating spinach or collard greens. "what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger!". Yeah. Right.

Yeah I'm whining. So what? I think I've "earned" the right to sound off some frustration about life. I've gone through 3 labors and birthed 4 babies (I'm a genius I know) and I know that nothing worth while goes without some blood, sweat and tears. But I'm not talking about birth, something I was made to do. I wasn't made to be both husband and wife, mom and dad, nurturer and disciplinarian, homemaker and breadwinner. Here's a newsflash for you Navy: It might be wise to include the spouses in VA claims upon discharge. Because I'll bet you have a ton of us "widow's" with all kinds of physical and emotional ailments for playing Jeckel AND Hyde for 20 years. Just a suggestion.

I would finish this blog with more of my emotional antics however after mowing the front AND back lawns, cleaning the pee under the toilet, putting a bandaid on my daughters knee, sending my son to his room for mouthing off, paying the bills, working outside the home, shopping for groceries AND nailing the holes in the fence, I have to make supper for the children. This is only 1 day down with 80 more to go. So yeah, I'm whining. Get over it.

Dandelions and Dogs: Finding Jesus in the foolish things

Dandelions:
The other day I was staring out the window watching my daughter pick every bright yellow dandelion in our backyard. I saw her smile as she said "mommy will love these pretty flowers!". I sighed and cracked a smile and said to myself "Those are just weeds baby girl, ugly annoying weeds." Then I noticed her running towards the door with a huge bunch of dandelions in her hand, her face filled with joy. I greeted her at the door and she says "these pretty flowers are for you mommy. Can you put them in some water so they won't die?". My heart melted at her thoughtfulness as I stared into her tender heart through her beautiful blue eyes. "Yes baby, of course I will." I said with a smile on my face. So I went over to the cupboard and pulled out a mason jar and filled it with water. I see her looking up at me with a smile from ear to ear as I arrange the dandelions in the jar.
After the kids were in bed I walked into the kitchen to find that these "flowers" were closed up and wilted. They were a sore sight! I said to myself "see baby, they're just weeds. Nothing special, nothing extraordinary, just weeds." I was tempted to throw them away when I was suddenly stopped by the image of earlier that day when my baby girl worked so hard to gather these for me. I closed my eyes and relived that moment when I felt her little arms wrapped around my neck, her smiling face and the joy in her voice when she said "these pretty flowers are for you mommy!" I looked at these ugly wilted weeds and said "maybe there's hope they will open up and be beautiful again." And I turned off the lights.
In the morning I stumbled to my coffee pot. In search for my favorite cup I didn't even take notice of the mason jar sitting next to it. Suddenly I heard the pitter patter of happy morning feet. "Mommy! see, the flowers are still so beautiful!" As we embrace I look up to notice that every single dandelion is full, open, bright and standing tall. The morning brought the hope that these "weeds" would be "flowers" once again. I stood in awe of the perfect picture of Jesus. How he sees me the way my daughter sees these weeds. A beautiful flower that has hope. His mercies are new every morning!
Dogs:
At night my dog Charlie likes to sit next to me with his head in my lap. He will always roll to his side with his belly towards me as if to say "hey mom, will you scratch my belly please?". I look down to catch one of his cute little brown eyes trying to peer at me. So I start scratchin. And he starts rollin'. It always makes me smile.
My mind started to ask questions like "why did God make dogs anyways? Did Adam have a dog?"....
Charlie is a big beautiful black Lab and German Shepherd mix with a purple tongue-a mutt of sorts. Charlie is always at the front door to greet me when I walk in. He is jumping from side to side hoping to get to go too when I get ready to leave. Charlie is always lying on the floor next to my bed every night when I sleep. He follows me from room to room as I clean my house. Charlie will alarm me with a bark when he hears an unfamiliar noise. He nudges my hand with his head when he feels lonely. Charlie always comes back to put his head in my lap at night even when I've not greeted him, didn't let him go with me, ignored him, not played with him, pushed him away and said "not now Charlie I'm busy." Charlie will always run and grab his ball when I walk out in the back yard in hope that we will play together. But when I simply walk back inside ignoring his cute attempt to play, he will simply drop his ball and follow me back inside. He will wait patiently by his bowl for food and watch as I walk by without filling it up-sometimes for hours. No matter what the day held for Charlie he will always come to me at night and place his head in my lap, look at me with that one little eye and hope and wait and hope and wait for that belly scratch that brings him so much joy.
I realized that God made Charlie to remind me just how faithful He is. Charlie is a perfect reflection of the character of Jesus. As I scratch my dogs belly and see the joy on his face I am reminded that Jesus desires my friendship and time. That He is patient and tender toward me and that the Lord is my joy!

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

I've been a Christian nearly all my life. Of course I don't have the straight and narrow path story of many believers. In fact, if I had to draw my line that started at the tender age of 4 and have it end to my ripe age of 38-well tomorrow I will be 38-it would represent that of a plate of spaghetti. Yes a blob of lines, going in circles, overlapping, piling up and starting over. I used to feel like there was something wrong with me because I didn't have the "my-life-has-never-been-the-same-since-Jesus" story. Like maybe I really wasn't saved, or maybe I wasn't filled with the Holy Spirit, or like because I strayed I couldn't pass "Go" and collect my $200 and lose my turn (Monopoly joke). Every testimony I've ever heard is a story of before and after with the "happily ever after" ending. I got to thinkin "God how in the world could you ever use someone who has loved you since they were a little girl yet screwed up time and time again, sometimes on purpose?" And I grumbled some more "I mean you're God, full of love yet full of expectations. You died for me and you're waiting to take me to Heaven to live with you for all eternity yet I'm a total and complete mess most of the time. How on earth will I ever get this right?" Then Jesus spoke.

I was taking a bath recently and when I'm bored I often pick up random things to read. (okay so that's weird) So I'm holding my shampoo bottle and I turn it around. I scan down to the ingredients and can't pronounce a single bit of it. My eyes fix on the directions that read "for best results apply shampoo to damp hair. Massage into hair and scalp. Rinse with lukewarm water and repeat. Follow up with Humectress Ultimate Moisturizing Conditioner." I laughed to myself and said "why on earth would you need to repeat the steps of washing your hair? How ridiculous and repetitive. I mean my hair is clean enough after one washing. This has to be for morons who can't properly wash their hair." Then like a flea on a dog my eyes jumped back to the words "Rinse with lukewarm water and repeat." It was like reading the red text in my New King James Bible.

I must have held that shampoo bottle for 20 minutes while the Spirit spoke to my heart. I learned that God doesn't operate like Monopoly, He likes spaghetti A LOT and that repeating steps 1 and 2 lead to a closer walk with Him, and clean hair. :)

Thank you Lord for meeting me where I am, for coming after me when I'm lost and for loving me enough to show me that the ridiculous and the repetitive are the way to your heart. (Hebrews 10:22 "let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water." 1 Cor 1:27 "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.")